AMM versus GAM

It has been a very very darling night for me and also a restless night at the same time. I am supposed to be in the bus right now heading up to Lhokseumawe for my dear friend’s wedding tomorrow but it was cancelled in the last minute. So, I went up with Lovely Imo, been ages not seeing her, miss her much. Last time we were together was when she asked me to accompany her to buy a bike and then we had a nice chat over coffee. We have tried to hook up again but it has never worked out, not until tonight. We really had a good time tonight. She picked me up right after my Maghrib Praying, we went to the bus station to cancel my ticket and went straight to the stadion to watch the football match. The game was between AMM (Aceh Monitoring Mission) versus GAM (Gerakan Aceh Merdeka). Actually, I am not really into the football, don’t know when it is an off side or a side kick, lol. I just understand they make goals hahaha, but anyway it was a cool game. I met some friends and had a nice outside work chat, very relaxing. It was quite obvious that the GAM team played better than the AMM team, so no wonder they won the game.

However, we didn’t really stay until the end because we decided to have nice meat ball soup and another long chat. Gosh, been a long while not talking to someone like I did tonight. Imo was a great person to talk to. She was a good listener and could absorb the information perfectly. It was so relieving to have someone like her in this life. She’s another Gemini and that explains a lot why that we are so matched!!! Finally, after so long I really talked to a real people and had real chat, you know what I mean, REAL!!! We did gossiping a bit and talked about political stuffs. We continued the journey for another cup of coffee at "Cek Yuke" (my second fav coffee shop in town). We went there by Becak. And again, we met another nice people, Teddy from Internews, a very nice guy, indeed. The conversation was shifted into radio and the peace process. I found a lot of new interesting information about the MoU, the election, the East Timor, and so forth.

Luckyly, Teddy sent us home. Here I am, arrived home by 11 pm and got myself cleaned and prayed. What am I thinking now?! This offer is really tempting but also confusing. I have been lost for the past 2 months, losing my grip, losing my confidence, not sure whether I am doing good job here. I feel like a ghost without knowing what I am feeling inside. I am not myself I used to know, I have been annoying and ignorance. I just realized now that I am so scared, scared of going to study, scared of being away from family-scared to be all alone without them. I don’t know what came over me right now, I never felt this way before. Isn’t this something that I have been looking for? Study abroad to gain knowledge and experience, but why when this is really coming, I feel so scared. Ah, this new offer…I do want it, but God, isnt this the only time for me to be with my family before I really have to leave? but on the other hand, this is the only opportunity to get my confidence back. God, help me, what should I do. You know how much I want to spend my time with my family. God, you know how much I regret myself to be so busy and never really there for them. I only spend less than an hour with my parent before going to bed and go back to work in the morning, then return home late again. It is revolving over and over with the same activities everyday.

God, I could have been a better daughter. Forgive me God.